Yes,Lilitu.....what you said resonated with me also. I feel the same way sometimes about your point of being in process and desiring the changes and then feeling that awkwardness when trying to then mesh myself into where do I fit and what will people think of me.
I keep being fearful that I won't ever be able to appropriately pass well. I should just be realistic and know that I have too many maleish traits of different body parts,namely hands and feet and face and throat.

I would be very happy if I could just achieve androgyny in my life at some point. Be a question as to what I am. That kinda suits my personality. I have this stronger and stronger need to be more femme and I feel even more repelled by the prospect of having to live as a gay male. I am not a male in my head,so I know thats not really going to work.
I know many gay guys and bisexual guys and some "straight" guys..lol but, I have trouble with dealing with guys sometimes,they are so damn frustrating sometimes. Hello...some communicating please. They all cant be shallow can they? haha
I have a couple of very sweet guy friends so I know they arent all the same. :)

Anyway,....my point was,your point too....the conflict of changing and developing.

It's tough,as my one friend is learning....she just told me yesterday that her breasts have gotten bigger somewhat again and she is just paranoid about things. Its not like no one she works with notices this, its been known for awhile.
She isnt out about gender at work,but,she keeps musing about having to go on to having FFS now, since she has achieved so much toward feminizing ,that she wasnt sure she actually would early on.

I keep telling her she needs to find a woman that loves her type of feminizing guyish person. She acts femme to some extent,but she kinda walks in the twospirit situation too.

I wouldnt presume to tell you what to do,..but, if you are serious about the HRT ,then you will have to decide how long you want to OR can be stealthy about changes. I've ran out of time sorta for that....like my friend Sasha says too.
Uhm,....I kinda feel liberated in a way though....like its been decided for me by my body.
I wanted this to happen,so now when I am actually seeing results and achieving things,I get skittish and fret about it.
I shouldve thought about it a bit more....but,whats that going to prove.?? haha
It took me long enough to decide to go ahead full steam with this.

I am just going to deal with it,...try and not let negative attitudes bother me.
I dont want to bind myself either....it goes against the whole idea of what I'm trying to achieve in the first place.