Hang in there Sweetie.You are still very young and have plenty of time to work things out.I hope your family supports you and remembers you for what is inside and doesn't care how you look outside.

roxx

Hi Diane.

I totally get your concerns about coming out. And... It really is an ongoing thing. Coming out is important to ourselves, for our own sense of being true to who we are and in integrity in our relationships and dealings with others, but...yeah, it doesn't necessarily make us safer or more comfortable. It's been a long tough road for me finding community I can be 'out' with.

I've been "actively trans" for about 5 years now, living kinda genderqueer for the first few years, and the last 2 years I've been living full time as a woman. I've been on hormones for almost a year now. And... it's a *Practice*. Every day there's some gender issue for me to deal with. sometimes its entirely internal, that is, the other person has no idea the stir I've gone through with their casual reference to me as 'sir' (or even 'ma'am' in a negative context). And yet, I must persist because I *am* who I *am*.

Some days I just give up, and I'll casually "pass" (as a woman) without thinking about it, waltzing through my day like any other woman. And then I've had days where I'm intentionally boyish and have had people call me 'miss' anyway, or I'll be all dolled up in skirts and scarves and someone will give me that look of horror that implies they've identified me as some *THING* outside their worldview. (I always feel like that moment of hopelessness at the end of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" when Donald Sutherland ID's the 'human' with that horrid screeching noise and that look of "You're an *OTHER*!" on his face.)

Sometimes I'm just annoyed at the cluelessness of the casual observer. And then there are the shock moments where I've become myself in my heart and my community and I'm just not thinking about all that, and then, for example, I sleepily open my own front door this morning, all braless and visibly nipply through my T-shirt, and the delivery guy asks me as I sign for the package, "Can I have your first and last name, sir?" On my own goddamn doorstep. Is it worth it to me to "educate" this person, to assert my true Goddess nature to this clueless Cretin? Oh, hell no. He's just doing his job and reading Goddess-only-knows what gender cues without thinking. He wants a signature and to be gone. I give it to him and he goes. But does it bug me? Oh, hell yeah. And I'm sure later today, just as casually, somebody will call me ma'am, reading other gender cues put in place by my daily preparation to meet the world.

Fortunately, I also have great community here in Portland, and I am active in the queer community, which, it seems to me is far more trans-friendly here than anyplace else I've lived (except maybe Santa Cruz, California, where I just moved from.) And tonight I'm going to my second practice with an all-female (lesbian) band that has (counting me) not one, but *two* transdykes in it. And I mention that here because when I came out to them, their reaction was, "...Okay. But can you *play* those keyboards?" It was a bit odd, but kinda nice for it to be such a non-issue. (And, oh, yeah, babies, I can play those keys!)

Peace & Light to you Diane.
It may not be an easy path, but it is who we are.
I wish you the best on your journey.

Hugs,
~Jessa~

Thanks everyone. Time sure doesn't seem on my side, at least when I look the mirror or feel my face, or towering over my friends.

Diane,

The first thing you need to do is get to a safe place where you can come out and be yourself all the time. Seriously. It's going to be very hard until you can find a way to make that happen. I know it's frustrating having people react to you as a guy but until they percieve you as a woman that's going to continue. Socialization runs Deep.

Gay men and women, espcially college age and younger, are extremely likely to 'not get it.' They're just coming into themselves also, and transgendered people are, for many of them, a threat to their new identities. I would suspect this is the case with the man you were talking to who then avoided you the next day.

i'm guessing that since you're twenty-two, you will shortly be leaving college. Plan your next move very carefully. Investigate the resources that will and will not be available to you in the area. For instance, the middle of South Dakota is a bad place to transition.

Personally, I found coming out to people worked out best by hitting them over the head with a hammer. I was out to very, very few people before I went full time, and now I'm out to everyone, which happened because I went full time and people had no choice but to deal with it. That method isn't for everyone.

Good luck,

Susan

I just want to say thanks again for the advice. So that boy, yeah he is from the same as town as me and we flew home togeather. Hung out at the airport mall for a while and he seemed fine. I just had to deal with my issues being fairly closeted while being with a guy who definatly out. I think I was able to give him some perspective about why so many people are in the closet at my school, "even though most people don't care". Basically I mentioned that for a lot of people "the good ol boys" are their only "friends", and when you hang out with them all the time listening to them talk about queers it really does seem like everyone cares, because everyone who matters cares. I also mentioned that it would be a lot easier if these people had another group of friends to turn to. It makes sense to me, he hangs out with people who are secure, he was out when he came to college. Making that transition, even to being out as gay is risky.

And one other thing, he totally makes me feel like a guy (he's very femme and has a thing for heels), its kinda funny. So anyways I just thought it was funny that after that we ended up spending the day togeather, and just talk like people do.