"no plans for SRS"
From everything I know this is not at all uncommon.

"I do not want it to turn useless if i start hormones"
That hasn't been my experience. I think it depends on the particular hormones you take, maybe you can do a phone consultation with a doctor?

Blood clots, and heart problems are certainly something to be concerned about. Perhaps you could get them to checkups for that, I mean that would seem exceptionally unethical not to.

SSDI? Do you mean SSRI? Once I was on hormones my depression got a lot better.

I'd recommend finding a counselor, sounds like a really rough place to be in, maybe the could help you work through some things. I live in bum fuck USA as well, I know of several therapists that are family or specialize in GLBT issues, don't be afraid to ask that directly.

Maybe you won't look very attractive to most people, a lot of people don't and they have no choice in the matter. Yes I want to look pretty, most people do, I just don't think it's a good basis for making decision, certainly not for transitioning.

"no one will want me for the rest of my life"
That's totally up to you. I haven't dated much since I started transitioning, mostly because I'm just starting to be comfortable with myself. Personally I didn't find the relationships I had before very comfortable so I don't feel like I've lost much. I have many more friends then I had before and am closer to them all because I feel better about myself

I know how you feel.I too live in a small town and was nervous about the hormones but You will be shocked that there are many doctors who will help you with the hormones thing.I am not going to get the surgery either.I am pretty happy with just hormones and just being myself..Its a personal choice if you go all the way with srs..i have talked to alot of transexuals who got the surgery and they were not very happy with it now.Because the sex part is so different..my soul is female and with that and the apperance of a woman thats enough for me..Money has allways been the issue for me..

courtesy would be just saying surgery is not for you, not calling it mutilation. There are people here who have surgery who wouldn't judge you for choosing differently, and would expect the same courtesy.

I'm not sure what part of Texas you live in, but if you're on the western side, maybe you can come up to Albuquerque NM. I go to a doctor here who is great. His name is Dr. Andru Ziwasimon. He will get your blood work done, and start you on hormones, and continue checking your blood for cholesterol and what not. He's not expensive. His office visit is $25, with a $1 card-slide fee. I had previous blood work from another doc, so I didn't need him to do my bloodwork; but I think that's like $7. He's confidential, and I don't think he files insurance so you don't have to worry about anything showing up officially. You do not need to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria in order for him to start you on hormones, he believes that's a bunch of hooey and not necessary to be diagnosed with a "mental disorder". If you want to talk more about this in private you can message me if you like. Granted I'm going the other way, FtM, but I'm willing to help. There is also a great support group up here. I go to it. It's safe, confidential, and fun. You can hang out with all of us, and if one of my fellow transmen is there, he has a great sense of humor that'll get you cracked up and calmed down in no time. You're more than welcome to visit if you like. We have people dropping in frequently from the surrounding little towns through out the state, from Roswell to Chama. Goodluck with whatever you decide! :)

Hi Liana. Well, first off, none of your post sounded "silly"...and as for "it may upset some people"....well, thank god we still have Free Speech, ya know? Sounded to me like you were just trying to be honest and speak your mind. Works for me.

On to your points and questions---- looks like you have gotten some good advice here so far. 27 is sooo NOT "too old". It just feels like that to you, now, because of your perspective. (20's can be hard---- lots of "I should have it all figured out by now" pressure). 27 is perfect. Surgery? Hey, if you don't need or want surgery, count your blessings. It saves you another $20,000+ and makes some parts of your life simpler. if it feels "like it would be mutilation" to you, then that's valid. I understood that to be your way of explaining WHY you do not want it (not just "it's not right for me" or "I don't want it"). Lots of transpeople choose not to have surgery. I'd advise also calling the nearest large city that has Gay/Lesbian/Trans services (doctors, therapists, a gay community center or hotline, etc etc) and asking if they know of a hormone doc who accepts Medicaid. And as Diane and others mentioned, try to find a trans-friendly therapist. If any city near you has a gay newspaper and/or "alternative paper" (you know, the little free ones you find in the kewl restaurants and businesses), pick those up and comb them for resources. Call anyone/any business that seems remotely connected to gay/trans healthcare and ask if they know therapists/doctors. (If there's an AIDS clinic near you, you can check there too---- they often know lots of great resources).

Good luck!

first things first, MOVE OUT!!!!! get your5 own placve work you ASS off to get out if you ahve to, but GET OUT!! then all else should take care of itself. youll find a way after that, just have to free your5self up enough to be able to do it.